Coping by Anna Van De Post

I am a mother. I am also a daughter, a friend, a psychologist, a campaigner, a human - with desires, wishes, hopes and dreams. But I am a mother foremost. As most mothers discover, the day you give birth or adopt your child, you are irrevocably changed forever. It becomes almost impossible to be happy if one's child is not, your child‘s well-being is inextricably linked to your own. We are driven by an inherent, biological process outside of our control to protect our child whatever their age. There is a compulsion to do whatever we can to make sure that they are happy, safe, and leading a fulfilling existence. When one's child is ‘normal' this process usually works well. In normal parenting there are times when we are called upon to help our child but for the most part they manage well alone. Once they reach adulthood they are largely equipped with the skills to cope when things do not go according to plan, to use inner resources and to draw on past experiences. In the modern world where families are often geographically divided, they seek out friends for support, often before family.

However, when one's child has significant long-term problems this usual dynamic of slowly separating is altered, and the parent can find themselves having to be far more involved in their child's life than either of them would, by choice, like. If, as is currently often the case, the school system is unresponsive to one's child's needs, the parent has to become a champion, fighting to get a share of the under-funded system. They have to battle to get an appropriate assessment, to locate a suitable school, to secure funding for the school and then they must continue to fight to maintain the funding and placement. This, for any one who has never experienced it, is phenomenally stressful and time-consuming and is not within every parent's capability. Imagine every year receiving a letter from the education authority telling you that your child who is happy, has friends, and is progressing well, must go to another school where they will know no one and having little power to prevent yet another unsettling, destructive move.

Many of our children have additional health problems and there is often a struggle to get appropriate help. Finally, if their school placement is sub-optimal, then we may be dealing with daily behavioural problems and the wider consequences on the rest of the family that this behaviour causes. The truth is, that we, as individuals with our own needs, become lost. The institutions which should be set up to help us become our enemy. We are no longer seen as human beings with our own identity and problems but are seen as pushy and annoying mothers. The constant pressures can mount up, accumulative in their effect, and parents can end up in therapy, taking anti-depressants, existing on auto pilot with little if any 'joie de vivre' or tragically having to give up and relinquish the care of their child to another.

It is essential that you find ways to live and cope with the stresses of parenting a child of difference. If you collapse, then you cannot care for your family. Caring for and about yourself is not selfish, and must not be put to the bottom of your ‘To do' list. Looking after your physical and mental health is necessary.

My Pick and Mix of Coping Tips (These tips have come from many parents. Many are obvious but it is good to be reminded)

1: If you have just found out that your child has Aspergers then contact a local group (CAB or NAS should have lists) and ask them if someone could talk you through what you need to do. Join the group to see if you find it helpful.

2: Realise that sometimes you won't cope and you'll just have to survive moment by moment. When things are really tough remind yourself that feelings change and that you just need to sit this particular storm out. Don‘t waste energy fighting a battle you can't win.

3: Choose your moment to address problems with your child, wait until they are happy, healthy, in a good mood, have slept well and guardedly capitalise on those times.

4: You are not superwoman/man so give yourself a break!

5: Talk to your family and try to get everyone pitching in so that the domestic side of things run smoothly. If you can afford help, get it

6: To prevent fights over meals make a two weekly menu plan and stick it on the fridge.

7: Don't fight over things that don't matter. If your child wishes to eat alone for example, let them, it isn't really a big deal and you can always have a rule that on Sundays you eat together.

8: Try to understand what your child needs and why eg. Do they have sensory issues and how can you help. Try to put yourself in your child's shoes and imagine being constantly pressured to do things that are against your nature, understanding or wiring/personality

9: If you can learn to accept your child as they are, a lot of stress is immediately dissipated

10: Learn to live life on a different level to others, taking pleasure from small things rather than focusing on the unachievable. Be happy with small but steady progress. Don't compare your family to others.

11: If you have time and energy write about your life, experiences and feelings, it can often help you to put everything in perspective

12: Do not cut back on personal care - you must eat properly, get enough rest and sleep (not always possible). A balanced, varied and nutritious diet is ESSENTIAL to feeling mentally and physically on top of things. I always take omega 3 supplements, kelp and a decent multi-vitamin as an added insurance policy. If you eat healthily the chances are your family will too.

13: Try to take a walk alone somewhere green and lush

14: Try to find time to spend with friends (if you still have any that is!)

15: Try and do things which bring you some relief, listening to the right music can uplift the spirits, watching something funny on television, pursuing a hobby etc

16: Try to have little treats booked in your calendar so that there is always something you have to look forward to.

17: Do not be afraid to ask for help, just be aware that it may not always live up to your expectations

18: Be realistic about all your expectations, don't be too black and white in your thinking. It is all to easy to have rigid expectations. By so doing, it is only too easy to set yourself up to fail.

19: Realise that things rarely stay the same and most tough periods do come to an end

20: Most people's lives improve as their children get older

21: If you are severely depressed go and see your GP (take someone with you if it is too daunting to do alone)

22: You are allowed to be less than perfect. None of us know what to do or how to respond to our children all of the time and sometimes we feel below par, in a mood etc - so forgive yourself.

23: Sometimes it is worth self-talking but pretending you are advising a friend in your position. Show the same compassion, understanding, patience and kindness to yourself as you would like your friends and family to show to you.

24: If you are really trapped, cultivate a fantasy life to escape to every now and then.

25: If you can ever arrange to have a weekend alone do so

26: If you are married try to find a way of having a little time together sometimes and tell each other how much you value what they do for the family, whether it is earning money, domestic duties, activities with/for the children, personality traits such as being strong, noticing when each other need to be hugged or left alone etc. Do not forget to value each other.

27: If all else fails, make a cup of tea/coffee - never underestimate the ritual of making and drinking a cuppa. I have a few really special cups and mugs that I use for different times eg. One says ‘keep calm and carry on‘, another was bought for me by someone I love, another is extremely fine and makes me feel special etc.